Haiti

Matt and Heather are off to Haiti. I can't stop crying the last few days.
We have been on the wait list 8 months now for our Ethiopian adoption and although that in and of itself is not unusual things are changing there, the laws and requirements are being adjusted. This is to ensure that families adopting and relinquishing children are prepared and understand the full implications of this process which is essential and cannot be criticized. It feels like walls are being built in front of me and I can't find the doors. However my heart is so full of this little girl that I haven't met but lingers about me like a shadow. Every plan I go to make and so many of the ordinary moments that get overlooked seem painful to me right now.
Matt and Heather are going to a children's home outside of Port au Prince and we are told that you cannot sleep much there for the needs of the babies that demand comfort. They will meet little girls who have seen the worst kind of hurts and they will snuggle them and make them laugh. I dream of another little girl and wonder if there is someone to make her laugh, to give her a snuggle. I am struggling with the inequities. I always struggle with them but right now my brain is in hyperactive vigilante mode. I want all of the kids to have enough, not more and not less. I am frustrated with the mothers I see, so caught up inside of their own families. I understand it but it is so self defeating. If all we think about is our own kids, ourselves, our houses....the world gets smaller and lonelier. When we can push ourselves and our kids and love other children that are not our own and sacrifice the dumb crap to weigh in on the side of good and hope then we won't feel small and alone and we can forget ourselves for a little. That is where joy lies.