Tuesday, March 8, 2011


My daughter astounds me, she is gorgeous she is brave she is strong she is strong willed she is persistent she is determined.
She makes me feel absolutely out of my mind crazy.
Attachment is grey. So very grey. She can’t be in a room alone. She says the same thing a hundred times. She acts like she can’t do things for herself and then if you try to do it becomes indignant. She acknowledges and discusses nothing from her past.
When asked a direct question she still cannot determine whether the answer is yes or no.

Control issues. Power struggles. Language barrier. Culture shock. Bad parenting.
Where do I point my finger?
When dealing with a clump of behaviors trapping a cute little person inside of themselves how do you attack the behaviors without attacking the cute person?
I have a million questions.
My day is filled of half thoughts and uncertain plans. Should I get therapy for Post Adoption Depression? Should I get her therapy for attachment issues? Am I the problem? The whole problem. Will this just get better with time? It has gotten better.
So much better. But, I feel so afraid of the next decade, the next 3 decades. I want her to
Be a joyful person. I want to be a joyful person again.
Here I go again with the monkey brain. I need to keep my head in the game but I can’t keep track of what sport we’re even playing here right now.
So many things go right. She makes great eye contact, seeks me out, is very affectionate (if in a controlling way) she sleeps well (finally), she seems to have started loving me a little, not just needing me. But yes where there is a yang we have to have a few dozen yings.
There are so many positives and I think sometimes maybe it’s all about perspective and attitude, if I just focus on the good stuff the rest will dissipate naturally. But, each day
Is so frustrating. So hard.
We can’t have a conversation. When will I be able to talk to her about her feelings, about mine, about Anything!
Attachment is about reciprocity in my mind.
My daughter and I are like a moon chasing down a planet, we’re spinning and spinning around and around but is there any chance our orbits will ever connect?
Expectations….will slay you every time.
I expected her to be a wreck. I expected myself to be able to handle it.
She has done so much better than I thought she would or could even. I have disappointed myself so deeply I’m thinking of changing my name.
My mantra in life is to spread the love. Thinking that I have a deep well of it, enough to go around plentifully.
Only to find that I am hollow on the inside. So who am I after all?
I never expected to find an ugly core inside myself.
Where does the anger come from.
Where do we go from here?
When I read these blogs
and all about all this great attachment, loving, giving parenting going on out there I am humbled and inspired. I want to focus on how good it makes me feel that there are all these incredible people out there in a world that often leaves me feeling discouraged. I am trying hard NOT to focus on the fact that all these amazing families out there going through what I am going through seemingly without complaint,
Without missing a beat makes me feel inadequate and flawed.
9 months together I feel my soul returning to my body. Days go by without either
Of us screaming (I’m pretty sure that’s true?) I get hundreds of kisses a day.
Reading about other people experiencing the same confusing dichotomy of emotions
Has been the best therapy I could ask for. I am not alone. This is what it looks when a
3 year old loses everything and has to start from zero, this is how you survive it.
“Keep on keepin' on, only stop being so damn pathetic.”-il panettiere….
This is my new mantra.
9 months together, maybe We are ready to be born.