53 Countries in Africa

There are 53 countries in Africa. When Matt and I tried to
list as many as we could last night we got to 32. Sad.
I am going to keep practicing. Also, discovered that Ethiopia
is third behind Nigeria and Egypt for the largest populations
in African countries. I had no idea. 75,000,000 people live
there! We got bunk beds today which is exciting cause I am anxious
to feel like we are getting the house ready for a 4th person. Joya
is sick but tomorrow we are going to go pick out the paint color for
her room. Maybe I'll start painting this weekend. I cleaned out closets
today and the living room is all piled up with stuff to get rid of
which is satisfying. Joya's a terrible sick person and is crying a lot
and clinging to me. I am amazed that maybe all this brooding and processing
and reading and stewing are actually effecting me because...I am actually
able to sit with her patiently, to read endlessly, to just be here with
her right now and not be freaking about what I'm not doing. This is
a big deal. I can really do this. Well of course I can but I mean can really
adopt a little girl and change my life, our lives, and doing this huge
important thing that I've always needed to do can be enough for me.
You have to pull on yourself in order to stretch and grow....

Checking in with an old friend

We are waiting for the referral for our ethiopian adoption
it could be anytime now so I am spending a lot of my energy looking
inward and trying to make sense of myself and my place in this
too crowded world and find strong places I can go and dip from when
this little girl won't give me any space when I know that I really like
wide open spaces. I am scared and humbled and can't wait and shamed
and achey and it still feels not quite real which at least that part has in
common with my pregnancy. We are spending a lot of time and emotional, mental energy on the adoption and my family and making our lives something that we are proud to be living.
We also are quite obsessed with the actual fact that we are changing the climate of our planet and that during our life times things are going to really change...one way or another. This is something that is haunting and twistedly appealing at the same time if that makes any sense.
Sometimes I am surprised and pleased with my day to day and how I spend my time
but others I can't believe how short I've fallen from where I wanted myself to go.
(like why does Obama get the nobel peace prize instead!?)
But, I am very lucky and joyfull and live a great life and I do try really hard which
counts for something I think.

Powerful Choices

I live in a house of Miracles but even I, surrounded by them day in and day out have trouble recognizing them for what they really are. Women have babies in each moment as the earth spins in space and the universe everlastingly expands and it is nearly impossible for us to wrap our minds around the opportunity and power in that.

Right now, in our time, people are screwing things up for more than seven generations of all life on this planet. It is a fact, a well known and often discussed fact but still somehow inappropriate to talk about in polite conversation.

A regular laugh killer if you will.

There are consequences for the choices we make in our lives. Right now there are too many people in the world. Millions of them are starving, displaced, raped, tortured, abused, ignored, alone. Right now there are too many people using too much in this world. So, here we are in our perfect little bubble and we have a kid. We have the luxury and great misfortune of enough free time to totally over think every aspect of childrearing. The whole world is getting warmer. We are looking at worldwide catastrophic disaster within our lifetime and still our thoughts are consumed with concerns over whether or not to let your baby cry for five or ten minutes before swooping into to rescue them because apparently otherwise they will be miserable and dysfunctional for life. Yes, please let’s raise our children to believe that they should never be in the least bit uncomfortable, that their happiness is paramount to all else that might be going on anywhere ever and that they and only they are the most important person in all the world. That is what we’re going for here, right? No you should never be unhappy for one moment you precious American privileged brat. Mama won’t hesitate to put you in the car and drive you for as long as it takes so you will go to sleep and not cry because apparently when you have a child of your own you lose all perspective and stop caring about the rest of the babies in the world. Who would let their baby cry for a few minutes just to save some gas? And once the baby falls asleep in the car you have to leave it on so that your baby is not too hot or too cold while they nap. You might as well sit in your car and do nothing because after all, the world is full of problems, why try to solve just one. All this coddling somehow does make sense to us in a way, since there is so much pain and waste in the world. We are just trying to do this one thing with a purity of love and intention. That is where the problem lies though, we feel like we cannot change the big picture so we internalize and confine all our loving kindness to our own living rooms, our own children.

I sound angry and bitter don’t I? In truth, I take my anger at this juncture as a sign of my stubborn optimism. I am a mother, I love my daughter but I also have a great deal of love in my heart for the millions of nameless children out there without parents, without food, without homes. I want to raise my daughter to be tough and independent, resourceful and compassionate. I want her to have the know how to solve problems in a changing world and to use those solutions to help people everywhere.

The power of motherhood lies in the realization that women all over the world love their children as much as we love ours and that the choices we make minute by minute here in the US make horrifying decisions for them that can mean life or death. The power of motherhood lies in teaching our children that they don’t need everything to be new and shiny and perfect. That our children can hold their heads high when reusing clothes and toys. That our children do not always need to get just what they want and be perfectly comfortable in every moment. We do not need more children to grow up with that sense of entitlement. The power of motherhood is about an empathy for other mothers. A love for children, not just your own child. A spark of truth evolving in our consciousness that this way of doing things doesn’t work, isn’t fair and doesn’t create the future that we have been dreaming of. It is our powerful responsibility and heavy, heavy burden to realize that the only hope for a change really, truly lies within our arms. It can’t just be talk it requires a change in our day to day lives, choices and spending. Every time you get in your car to drive somewhere with gasoline imagine a child in Iraq as the bombs fall. Every time you turn on your dryer instead of hanging it on the clothesline force yourself to imagine the consequences of melting ice caps and a world without polar bears, penguins OR Bangladesh. The future of our collective family on this planet depends on our noticing the miracles that surround us, the magic in the natural order. In realizing this, take ownership for the string of the web that we each gingerly hold and acknowledge the enormous weight of that. While some of our children have more than enough today, none of our children that are growing up in this world are secure in the future that we are bringing upon them. This is our time to re-imagine our power—as mothers, caregivers, consumers, daughters, citizens, humans that need water and air to survive—in creating a mutually resource-full and collaborative future for all of our children.

i like birds

I like birds- Eels
I cant look at the rocket launch
The trophy wives of the astronauts
And I wont listen to their words
cause I like
Birds

I dont care for walkin downtown
Crazy auto-car gonna mow me down
Look at all the people like cows in a herd
Well, I like
Birds

If youre small and on a search
Ive got a feeder for you to perch on

I cant stand in line at the store
The mean little people are such a bore
But its alright if you act like a turd
cause I like
Birds

If youre small and on a search
Ive got a feeder for you to perch on
Ive got a feeder for you to perch on
If youre small and on a search
Ive got a feeder for you to perch on
Ive got a feeder for you to perch on

I had an epiphany while listening to this song for the first time that that is what I wanted to be, a perch. If you're small and on a search I want to have a place for you. A piece of what this adoption means for me....